Everyone Matters and Deserves Dignity: Inclusion Week and World Mental Health Day 2015

I have just finished (as of four minutes ago as I’m typing this at 17:34 on Friday) InclusionWeek in the UK for @KPMGUK. I have to say I am rather shattered. But also absolutely elated. And tomorrow is World Mental Health Day 2015, with this year’s focus on #Dignity. I will be running the ParkRun (@BushyParkRun) and writing the run report with a focus on the stories of people who run either for their mental health or for other causes. I’ll repost it here when I finish it.

So, to reflect on the week, what a week it has been. On Monday I launched my campaign #RedefiningResilience: https://www.facebook.com/RedefiningResilience to share my story with the groups of people I know may be able to identify with what I’ve experienced. I want to help people to realise that if they are still going then they are resilient. You can read more about this on my page and in this post.

http://haslaptopwilltravel.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/redefining-resilience-launching-my.html

I also participated in three of the many events I’m proud to say that the fabulous Diversity and Inclusion team at KPMG organised with support from all of our networks.

I spoke on a panel on Monday evening for #LeanInCircles, answering the question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” with my experience of deciding to take the step (or leap) to be completely open and honest about my mental health at work. I was really proud to see how many colleagues then shared some of their own experiences with mental health within their groups – as I said at the time, the more that we talk about this, the more that we keep the conversation going, the more we will enable our colleagues to be better through that comfort to be honest, and feel supported and comfortable to get help if they want / need it.

Lean In Circles

On Tuesday morning I was back in at 8am on another panel for our Mental Health 101 panel discussion, where 160 colleagues attended to hear about “Everything you wanted to know about mental health but were afraid to ask”. The turnout was amazing and the questions and engagement from the audience was inspiring to me. I was joined on the panel by partners with lived experience of mental illness, our occupational health chief medical officer and the head of employee wellbeing. I tried to speak honestly about my experiences, highlighting that everyone deserves respect and support, that everyone should be supported if they choose to share, and that everyone has mental health and we all need to take care of ourselves.

I finished my contribution (in person) by sharing a stand with many other colleagues from our work’s network to talk about our internal #BeMindful network and the support that KPMG offers and advice on how to look after yourself mentally at work. All in all, a tremendously enriching and inspiring experience for me – to see my colleagues talking about mental health, many for the first time – and finding common ground where before they might have anticipated isolation and stigma.

As I said in my Monday post about #redefiningresilience, living and surviving with a mental illness does not always mean that you get better and ‘bounce back’. “I do not bounce,” I told Tuesday’s audience. “But I come back.” Slowly. So slowly, and it may take time, setbacks, tears, frustration, cake, pills and more. But I come back.

This week has also been a week of celebration. I met fellow shortlisted candidate @Jackie8 (Jackie Scully) for an inspiring chat on Tuesday night where we shared our various experiences of resilience. I am hoping Jackie will share her story of resilience (facing massively intrusive hip surgery, then breast cancer while being creative director of Think) soon on my #RedefiningResilience page.

On Wednesday night I attended the #Brummell30 @BrummellMag reception for those women who - like me - have been listed on their list of 30 most inspirational women in the city championing diversity. I was honoured to be in the company of such amazing women. 

Read the full Fundamental Facts Document

I’ve written a post on #Dignity for @MH_Voices as well https://mentalhealthvoices.wordpress.com/. (I'll post the link when it's up.) In it I explored the perspective of mental health from a professional employee’s point of view. I ended by stating what I believe we should expect our employees to never take away our dignity and always treat us with respect.

I like to think the best of all people – but I expect from everyone respect in the workplace, no matter your skin colour, (hair colour in my case!), religion, sexuality, disabilities or life circumstances. Dignity is defined as “The state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect”. In reference to our individual right to dignity, I like this example: To “stand on one's dignity” meaning to Insist on being treated with due respect. (references from OxfordDictionaries.com)

The Mental Health Foundation writes of the theme of ‘Dignity’ for this year’s World Mental Health Day (10th October 2015) “…An ill-informed and damaging attitude among some people exists around mental health that can make it difficult for some to seek help. It is estimated that only about a quarter of people with a mental health problem in the UK receive ongoing treatment, leaving the majority of people grappling with mental health issues on their own, seeking help or information, and dependent on the informal support of family, friends or colleagues.”

So, just in case anyone reading this would like to know what I expect from others in relation to mental health, it’s this: At the end of the day, as my colleague Greg is often reminding me when I'm resourcing our next project, resources or employees are still, actually and most importantly, people, and they deserve respect, support and never to feel undignified because they share at work that they have an illness or life challenge. In fact they should be applauded for their courage and given the support that they need.

1)      Ask people how they are, and actually mean it. “How are things?” “How have things been with you?” And if it means taking three ‘how are you?’ cycles to get to the point where the person can actually answer honestly, then three it is. Or four. Or five. And so on.

2)      When they tell you how they are, show them respect and support (whatever they say – this isn’t just about mental health). “I’m sorry to hear that.” “What can I do to help?” “I’m here for you.”

3)      If they don’t want to talk about their mental health in detail – even at all - that is okay – it is up to everyone whether they share personal information about themselves, but tell them, again, “I’m here for you.” “Let me know at any time if I can do something.” “I’m not going anywhere.” (It might be worth saying that – at work – you will get more support officially and this may mean you can adjust your work situation to accommodate your needs better when / if you’re well enough to be working.)

4)      If they talk to you about it, say thank you. “Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I imagine it might have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you coming to me with this. I hope that I/we can help you.”

5)      If you feel you can, and you have experience of mental health – whether yourself or someone you know – share that. “You are not alone in this.” “I actually have depression myself, so I hopefully can understand something of what you’re going through.”

6)      Keep the conversation going. “How can we support you?” “What can I do that will help with this?” You sincerity and the fact that you are prepared to have a serious conversation about this will hopefully show your colleague or employee that you are in their corner.

And then – if this is my experience - I expect to get support as a follow up (occupational health referral, adjusted flexible working, time off, or whatever I need within reason). I expect to be treated with the same respect as everyone else in my company, whether I have a broken back or a broken spirit. I expect people to respect me because I am a professional, competent person and I am worthy of respect – whatever external circumstances I’m also handling. I respect other people in the same way. I expect openness and honesty rather than whispering about employees behind their back which will make them feel like they should be ashamed of what they’re going through. 

And finally – and this will come, and only now from the most exceptionally inclusive people – I expect praise for those people who have taken a deep breath and spoken up about their illness. People should stand on their dignity. Everyone matters. Everyone deserves respect and to dignity. So let’s make sure that happens.

"Redefining Resilience": Launching my Campaign to Redefine what Resilience Means and End Mental Health Stigma

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My campaign to Redefine Resilience - Launched Today!

Resilience is in fashion: organisations are talking about the need for employees to build resilience to succeed and enable them to progress in their careers. “Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever.” [PsychologyToday]. I recently wrote a blog post for @brizzlelass on #Resilience. 

Read my guest post here

Because I do not meet that description of resilience above, or the dictionary definition of it. I don’t agree with it. I am not ‘stronger than ever’. But I am here.

In the past year I’ve continued to suffer from acute depression (I’ve been hospitalised and continue to have day patient care and take a whole fistful of medication), broken my back, elbow and had countless days when I wished I would not wake up the next day. But I do.

I am now launching a campaign of my own: Redefining Resilience – where I will speak to as many schools, businesses and charities in the UK (and beyond) as I can to tell my story and offer a different perspective of what ‘resilience’ means. I have had depression and anxiety for twenty+ years. I have been bullied at work, I have been taken out of projects at work for admitting to depression and stress. I have been told to lie about being stressed to colleagues as a point of performance feedback. And I am still ill with depression and anxiety today despite treatment. But I am still ambitious, still working, and I still will not give up living.

I have spent the last year campaigning to end the stigma associated with mental illness by writing a blog about my day to day experiences living with depression, anxiety and borderline PTSD. I campaign for Mind, Time to Change. I have written for the press and appeared on television talking about my experiences and raising awareness.

I am also a full time city professional – a management consultant manager specialising in helping organisations transform their businesses in various ways. I manage teams, work with clients and contribute to the success of the company I work for (KPMG). At the same time I advocate mental health support through being a managing member of our Be Mindful network which promotes and supports a mentally healthy workplace because everyone has mental health.

I am listed on Brummell Magazine’s 2015 list of Inspirational City Women who are Champions of Diversity, and I am one of five women (including Woman’s Hour Power Lister Nimco Ali) to be shortlisted for the Women of The Future 2015 Community Spirits award.

Do you work at a school, university or organisation who would like to hear my story of what resilience means for me - what my resilience story is?

I would love to have the chance to share my story with your school, business, group and help to redefine resilience. We don’t all bounce back. But we do keep fighting as much as we can. We know that young people are self harming and suffering with mental illness now more than ever. We know that suicide is the highest cause of death in young men aged 20-34. Mental illness is a killer. I want to raise awareness of this condition and tell anyone who has survived another day: you are resilient. you are not a failure. You are winning by surviving. 

Please contact me using the contact form at the bottom of this blog or at my new email address: redefiningresilienceforall@gmail.com I can't wait to get more conversations started about what resilience really means for all of us to help improve our health, our children's health, our colleagues' health. Because everyone has mental health just as everyone has physical health.

Just Take Five...and Five...and Five... :Can I Become an Executive with Mental Illness?

About a month ago, late August, early September, I don't exactly know when, I felt myself sinking towards rock bottom with my depression. Again. I came to my therapy session with my wonderful, patient, CBT therapist and couldn’t stop crying. For practically the whole session. A few things had come at me at once the day before, and the morning of that day, that winded me, and I fell straight down into deep depression. All we ended up doing during that session was trying to help me to stop crying, because I just couldn't. 

Rock bottom. Yeah, I liked this photo too. Ha.

I was kept at hospital that day, while my therapist, my therapist key worker, the doctor on shift, other therapists and a locum psychiatrist assessed my level of risk at various stages of the day. Were they prepared to let me go home? Would I harm myself, while I felt so completely that there was actually not much point of going home, of going anywhere in fact? During this limbo hospital time. Waiting in the purgatory of numbness and pain in equal measure, I shuffled along to my day patient groups but didn't talk. I wasn't just numb, I was mute. I am not someone who usually struggles to express what's going on, but all the words had drained out of me. I was dry, desolate, lifeless inside.

Dumbed by Depression

After speaking to several of the staff at hospital and confirming that - in fact - I would prefer to go home and promised that I wouldn't harm myself rather than be admitted to hospital again. (Which would have meant I'd have to deal with all the stresses that would have brought (pay caps from work because of my last year's absenteeism record, worries about bills, worries about whether friends would just give up on me because, clearly I was a lost cause)) I went home and to bed. I still felt numb. I took the doctor's advice and upped a couple of the over-the-counter things I take to help me to sleep / be sedated, although I was - frankly - fairly appalled that this was considered to be the only option - i.e. "Let's make you more of a sleep walker, less engaged with the world than they are; in fact let's put you to sleep so that you just pass through the days without engaging with anything at all." 

"Great," I thought. "More zombie like. What is the difference between this and being put into a coma? Really, why am I bothering? Is this what the next thirty years will look like? No thanks. No."

Stunned and Stunted by Sedatives

On Woman's Hour a couple of days ago, Jane Garvey helped radio 4 reach "peak radio 4" by making fresh pesto with Sally Clarke. At the end of the show, Jane remarked something like "It is absolutely lovely, it really does [taste as if it's just been made]..." and even Jane (apparently not a born chef?) thought she could manage this pesto: "even I could do that in probably not much longer [than five minutes]".

Sally Clarke

But that is not the point.

Think of all the things that 'only' take five minutes: getting out of bed? Well, that only takes 30 seconds if you shove away the duvet, kick your legs out and leap out. Have a shower? That takes 3 minutes if you're in Melbourne - or less, or maybe five if you're not exactly luxuriating in the bubbles. Getting dressed? 

5 minutes must be enough for that, if you don't count makeup and styling. Add another 5 for those, go ahead, be generous. Then 5 to pack up your lunch, grab your keys and leave the house. 5 + 5 + however many other five minutes to get to your car, the bus, the station, the taxi, the airport, and off to work, or wherever you're headed that day. 

How many fives is that? And that's just the start.

Woman's Hour... Is amazing

This week I heard on Woman's Hour (in a different episode) that fewer women are applying for senior positions. According to a study conducted by Harvard Business School, women associate power with conflict and don't want it. (And by conflict they mean conflicts - like family, for example. Board level executive versus CEO of mummy.) Some female leaders like Sheryl Sandberg tell us to 'lean in', that is, to move towards ambitious career opportunities and not say to ourselves, "I will not go for that position / that promotion because in a couple of years I might want to have children and..." But what about for mental health?

In my therapy session this week, I discussed with my therapist my current exploration of what I could do to make life better or easier. To make life liveable. You see, on that day above, when I was so low, my therapist didn't lie to me and tell me that everything would be completely better one day. In fact she said that I might always have to manage these feelings. That it might never get better. Never. Never ever. I might always have days when all I wanted to do was to not wake up the next day, when I felt that I had utterly failed (contrary to any rational proof) and that I was a ridiculous burden to everyone. And in any case, I wasn't having any fun. None. And so what was the point?

So, on that day, when I was wondering about whether I actually wanted to live at all, I went for my natural response to all situations: practicality. "What can I do to make my life better, if I'm going to have to get through the next thirty to fifty years (or, goodness knows, even longer) with this diabolical illness?"

I saw a locum psychiatrist as mine was away on (much deserved) holiday. (I say much deserved because, for goodness sake, even I can see that psychiatrists and all health professionals are people, and that they need time off, just like everyone else, so they can be productive.) He suggested I might like to see a life coach with an understanding of psychiatry so that I could explore options for changing my life and what I filled it with so that, on those terrible, awful days, I could at least look at the essentials and think: "Well, you're doing some good. You're helping someone, you're supporting people, you're trying to make people's lives better. And you're being creative. So, you see, Jessica, there is a point to your being here, even though you just want to close your eyes and never open them again."

However, seeing my therapist this week - after a month of getting used to new medication, and of making a couple of changes (and, for those of you who missed it, completely freaking out with massive anxiety at being named on the @BrummellMag (Brummell Magazine) list of 2015 inspirational women of diversity and then being shortlisted and having to attend a judging panel for the 2015 Women of the Future Award in the category for Community Spirits) I learned an alternative perspective. 

(Incidentally, this is the last year I qualify as a WOF @womenoffuture, #wof10yrs. Next year, I become a Woman of the Past. I'll be launching those awards very soon. Ha.)

My therapist said to me, "You have really changed. you're so much better than you were last year. You can't see it, but I can." And: "I'm not sure that you need to add more things to your life. your life is full of good things - your job, your blog and mental health work, your husband. You are already doing a lot!"

Finally, she said: "Your problem is not that what you're doing is bad; it's the feelings that are bad."

She is right. Those five minute activities described above, I can do about 150 of them, of those things that 'only take five minutes' in a relatively normal day, maybe 190x5 on a very full on day. I can do a lot, and I generally try to select meaningful things to do, because I know how hard it is for me to break through the numb wall of antidepressants and reach some kind of contentedness with life.

But on a bad day? I can still do 150 five minute things. I can maybe do more. But I don't want to do a single 1 of them. In fact my body and mind are fighting me against every. Single. One. Of those five minute activities. "Stop. Go back to bed. Close your eyes. Shut everyone out. Shut down."

So what does that mean for me? 

Am I one of those women referenced by the Harvard Business School? HBS studied 4000 men and women in total and "concluded that women are less likely to apply to rise up the corporate ladder because even though they feel they could get the job, they don't want to deal with the 'conflict' (my single quotation marks) that comes with corporate power." [Jenni Murray, Woman's Hour, 25th September 2015]. This means conflict against life goals / choices - trade offs and sacrifices that women would have to make at a higher level, rather than face interpersonal conflict on the job and at home as they juggled various enormous pieces of their life towards having a very successful career and a very enriched home life.

My FAVOURITES. Jenni Murray and Jane Garvey on Woman's Hour

The 30% club is about to change its focus towards board-ready women, that is, women ready for the executive. Clearly I have some way to go here as I'm at best a middle-senior manager at the moment. However, my firm KPMG co-published a study - Cracking the Code - which showed that it's really a lack of promotion rather than attrition which explains why women aren't making it to the top. Women are twice as likely to leave jobs on the way up because of the opportunity cost those higher level positions bring.

So am I one of those who are eschewing power because of the conflict associated with it? Not at the moment. At the moment I'm managing to do all those things above - I complete all those five minute activities. Like showering. Which, FYI, is not on the job descriptions of positions I've been looking at for over the last five years or so. Or so. 

But I don't know whether I can succeed or even survive in a job (anymore, or maybe not ever) where I consistently have to work 15+ hours in a working week day, every day. I know I have a smart mind, a willing heart, and a passionate drive to make a difference. I know I have the commitment to try to keep succeeding, to keep 'leaning in' and progressing. 

But working all hours is not - and never will be - good for my mental health (let alone my physical health). Can I still succeed in business on my own, balanced, healthier, terms where my five minute activities never reach the point where I've used up nearly every five minutes in that day, to the detriment of future health, the success of my ambitions, the satisfaction and transformative changes for the clients I work with, or the benefit of the mental health charities I am committed to supporting?

Do I have as much choice as I think I should have? Let's see...

The answer to these questions needs to be "Yes", but I really don't know if "yes" is the answer. My progress should be judged on outputs rather than the count of the five minutes I dedicate to my work. But one could argue that others with more stamina to put in more of those five minutes, just as productively, are going to overtake me in the career stakes (male or female) just based on their ability to go another five minutes. To do another thing when I had to stop to keep myself from becoming ill.

If I stay in business I imagine I will find out the answer to these questions. For now, I'll just try not to worry about them, which might cycle into anxiety or depression, and prevent me from doing those basic five minute activities.

So for now, I think I'll just go and buy a jar of pesto. Take care this weekend. x