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Showing posts with label #GetSetToGo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #GetSetToGo. Show all posts

Sunday, 17 January 2016

A Little Fresh Air: Walking It Off.

Brentford - five miles from home 
= a few cobwebs dusted from my mind

I've been trying to take a more sensible approach to working off some of the stuffing and pastry-based products Christmas always includes for me, and just aiming for a number of steps in a day. Sensible rather than ultra juicing (kale only, of course) whilst doing a billion squats a day is the only way at the moment.


I don't have the time to run during daylight hours, and I have about as much enthusiasm for getting up in the dark and rain to run as I have to spend an entire 5 seconds listening to a 1970s open university programme on physics. I'm aiming for 10000 steps a day, which is just about doable with the number of escalator steps plus making meetings at least a floor away from where I am, so I have to clock some extra paces.

Syon House and the Thames on a cold, clear day

The year has brought some new responsibilities, which have given me much to think about, and little time in which to put thoughts into actions. As the new network chair of our mental health network at work I am really keen to follow on the amazing work the last chair and committee put in, not least since supporting mental health has become so central to my life.

Free as a bird. How I want my mind to be.

For this reason I was thrilled to take on a voluntary role leading digital and social communications for the City Mental Health Alliance, too, which is an incredible opportunity to help support colleagues in the city beyond my own organisation. These opportunities will help me to achieve my goal of reaching more organisations with the truth about what mental health really means (from my own perspective especially) and that people can thrive professionally with the right level of support from their work and the care they give to themselves.

Kew Gardens from the tow path. Nothing but views.

Critically, while any change is going on, I need to make sure that I take care of my mental health, so I don't risk exhaustion and having to give up these things, which would risk bringing out that old chestnut self-loathing, always a very unwelcome guest in my life. "Balance," I keep telling myself, "balance." I really need to find this as much as possible to keep me well, at work and out of hospital. Enough activity, enough active rest and enough physical rest and time out from doing anything at all. I need all of these things for the best chance to stay well.

Even if it means getting a bid mucky, I'm up for a challenge.
Mentally and physically, I think.

It's definitely easier said than done. I'm the first to admit that I'm not very good at saying 'no' to exciting opportunities, even if they might take a lot of work. I don't want the fact that I have depression to get in the way of taking on ambitious projects in my life.

Choosing pathways. Nearly six miles in.

I admit that in the past I've tried to manage an ever increasing workload by ploughing on through it at all hours of the day (particularly in the past, trying to get promoted and actively panicking that if I made a single 'mistake' that I would miss out). Now I know that working 100 hour weeks is not even realistic for one week, let alone a string of them. So even though my stomach currently has butterflies at the amount of work I have on for the weeks ahead, I have forced myself not to spend the weekend working or completing ever more activities. The weekends are there for a reason, and I will just get ill and stressed if I don't have a break.

Kew Bridge and rowing.
I think I chose a slightly more sedentary activity, but lovely to see!

Yesterday, then, I decided to spend time on things that would help me to take time out and hopefully get a different perspective. And what often helps me is to get out and about, into the fresh (and ideally not rainy) air and walk.

And it's quite hard to get lost!

I learned about London on foot. I first moved to Archway, single and with a lot of friends well established with their weekends filled, so, with no other plans, I used to walk all the way down Holloway Road on a Sunday morning and keep going, into the deserted city, its austere stone blocks feeling almost as cold as Oxford on any autumnal morning as no pedestrians and few cars blunted the sharp wind racing around its tall, noble cornices. Nowadays I really am spoiled for choice, living near to two of our most beautiful royal parks - Richmond and Bushy - and a five minute walk from the Thames.

Perfect running weather. Or walking. Or rowing. 
Perfect.

My mother taught me to be a walker in Nottingham, where I grew up. To my horror, on days when at least half of my classmates had to stay away from school due to snow, because we lived in the centre of town, there was no discussion: we would walk. I find it faintly comical now, because the walk was fewer than two miles in length, but to my five or six year old self it was a marathon distance, on top of the massive unfairness of having to go to school when I wanted to stay at home and make snowmen.

Under the district line across to Chiswick. 

I have many happy memories of walking now, though, and it has always kept me - relatively - fit. Mat and I have a shared love of walking around London, which his friends exploited when he was made to walk (for pleasure) from Hammersmith to central London for his stag do, and made to (for their pleasure) down a shot chaser with every pint consumed, at every pub, along the way. Ouch.

A booze-free walk for me. Phew!

I had to walk to the doctor two weeks ago as I appear to have developed sleep apnoea... always a delight to have a new condition to add to my collection... and wanted the exercise. It has been so wet and miserable here in January so far that I have shunned running and even a walk to the station has been a chore.

Made it to Chiswick Bridge... nearly there!

But walking makes me feel so much better. Or at least prevents me from feeling any worse, if I'm feeling unwell. I have always found a lovely rhythm to walking. I can listen to the birds or the river or the traffic; I can listen to podcasts (Woman's Hour is a firm favourite) or audio books, or I can listen to the Frozen soundtrack or the Trout quintet, with no one any the wiser what music I might have in my ears!

Under the bridge

As I walk, I don't care so much about whatever I've left behind. Part of me is concentrating on not falling over, so there can only be so much focus on the extended to-do list; part of me is listening to the soundtrack of my choice. And lastly, my eyes are part devouring, part dwelling on, the sights to every side.

Mud. Nothing doing. Mud.

I'm lucky to live in a place where I can walk so far along the river to many destinations, to the shops two or three miles away, depending on the direction, or farther afield, and all bypassing beautiful houses, boats, locks, gull, herons, cormorants and many river birds, proprietary robins, bridges, gardens and streams and rivers. And of course, the city buildings and omnipresent sky.

A mere spattering. I got off lightly!

The mud is another matter, and not particularly top of my list of things I want to adorn myself with as a fashionable accessory. Elizabeth Bennet may have got away with it, but she was, after all, the wittiest of women, and the beauty of Hertfordshire, as even Mr. Darcy realised in the end.

 "She has nothing, in short, to recommend her, but being an excellent walker. I shall never forget her appearance this morning. She really looked almost wild."
   "She did indeed, Louisa. I could hardly keep my countenance. Very nonsensical to come at all! Why must she be scampering about the country, because her sister had a cold? Her hair, so untidy, so blowsy!"
   "Yes, and her petticoat; I hope you saw her petticoat, six inches deep in mud, I am absolutely certain; and the gown which had been let down to hide it, not doing its office."
   "Your picture may be very exact, Louisa," said Bingley; "but this was all lost upon me. I thought Miss Elizabeth Bennet looked remarkably well when she came into the room this morning. Her dirty petticoat quite escaped my notice."

There are other benefits. The assault of nature experienced while walking is another way of practising mindfulness. Except of course that you're not really practising, it's got you with both hands. There is no way that I can just ignore sights like those above when I'm walking. In fact I think I made myself a bit late yesterday by stopping so many times to take photographs.

Even the river bank is fascinating.
I've seen mice, rats (I like rats by the river)
and many other lovely animals and plants.

As well as all the above, it is lovely to meet so many people along the way on the river - quite different to my earlier north London experiences early on a Sunday morning. Cyclists, runners, yes, but walkers of all ages and many nationalities with dogs, dressed for a smart Saturday lunch, dressed for another 30 miles in well-trodden walking boots, it is simply lovely to spend an hour (or three) on a bracing walk. It warms you up in the cold, and warms me through to participate in this community activity, albeit on my own, with a simple smile of "Hello" to those I pass.

Dry routes are good. As long as you're still dry.

Yesterday I met friends in Barnes (west London) for a pub lunch. And there really only is one thing I love better than a pub lunch with good friends, and that is a pub lunch with good friends that I feel that I've thoroughly earned at the end! I had my work cut out to make it there on time with a slightly more relaxed stroll with Mat to Richmond (three miles) before the remaining five and a half to cover at a considerably speedier pace!

End in sight!

This week will be very busy again, and I know that my to do list is only minutely shorter for the few things I've accomplished today. (Then again, I did make it to the tip today. Things really don't get much more exciting than that.) However busy it will be, though, I have breathed fresh air and had a decent attempt at exercise. And there are always West Wing conversations to be had. That's my tip of the week, dear professional readers. If you want to get a meeting with someone who doesn't have time for a meeting, go and meet them as their meeting ends and walk them to their next meeting. Polish your elevator pitch or the points you need to raise to a minute's chat and you might be surprised what you accomplish in a short walk around the building (as well as adding a few more steps to your day)!

Yeah. Not sure...

I slept better, and woke surprisingly rested (albeit with rather aching legs this afternoon). As always, I will see how the week goes. But tomorrow when I get on those escalators at Waterloo, I'll know that a few steps are - in more ways than one - in the right direction. Take care. x

Hooray! A lemonade for the muddy woman with the purple hair.

Monday, 28 December 2015

Merry ParkRun to All and to All a Good Flight! In Praise of ParkRun

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, how lovely are thy cheapo hats

After a few days of indulging in every delicious food and drink we now have the delight of New Year's Eve ahead of us, with its perceived obligations to look glittery and make grand schemes, or 'resolutions' to be better and achieve more in the new year. Last year I wrote about feeling anxious about this event, a day when one looks in the closet or on the sales racks for sequins and spandex, hoping that the two will come together in a wonderful symbiosis which belies the enormous quantities of stuffing that we've just cheerfully crammed into ourselves without a care for our waistlines or coronaries.

The closest I shall come to the above (and I do have dresses like this that don't fit)
is this: sequin spanx. (marilynmeetsjohnny.com)

This year I started a little better on the journey towards eating one's own body weight, by taking part on two consecutive days in my local park run at Bushy Park. Have you heard of ParkRun? Here's a little about them from the website:



"parkrun organise[s] free, weekly, 5km timed runs around the world. They are open to everyone, free, and are safe and easy to take part in.These events take place in pleasant parkland surroundings and we encourage people of every ability to take part; from those taking their first steps in running to Olympians; from juniors to those with more experience; we welcome you all."

In a typical week I try to do exercise as part of my week's activities, in order to boost the endorphin levels and (I would hope) to keep my mental health on an even keel or at least on the up (however minutely). Around Christmas, though, I tend to head squarely for the sofa from the desk and leave the thousands of emails unanswered with a to do list to rival the length of Santa's naughty and nice list, but the issue I then face is that my body starts to mould into the fabric of the sofa, and does not want to move, not one little bit. This is quite dangerous because the less I do, the less I want to do. The more I watch television and eat, and do nothing but that, the less I can do. And that could lead to a dissatisfaction with everything because I don't feel like doing things, but I certainly do not need any more sitting or scoffing.

You can find a parkrun near you every weekend, in the UK and around the world

It was probably good luck (and good management on the part of the Bushy Park's parkrun management committee) that I found myself down to write the run report for Christmas Day and Boxing Day, meaning that however many mince pies I'd managed to gorge myself on the night before, I wasn't going to be able to excuse myself from the festive fitness proceedings. 

A sea of Santa Hats getting ready to cover 5K...however they wanted

The 5K runs that parkrun organises gets everyone involved, and is a great way to kick start my weekend. Not only that, but when I feel totally reluctant to see another soul I can participate in the run with no obligation to speak to other people, but with the lovely sense of having joined in with something, even though my mind has closed itself off to callers.

Boxing day in a toned-down version of headgear. Just sparkly antlers.
My weight had already increased through Christmas consumption!

My stomach is not feeling very well eve n now as I type this because despite my attempts to moderate the consumption of meat, cheese, potatoes and, mainly, sausages, on a typical day I'd be more likely to eat carrot and lentil salad than chestnut stuffing, which means that I'm still overeating even when compared to the average calorie intake I've taken it pretty easy. It's annoying that this happens - and I'm sure I'm not the only one - who makes an effort not to overdo it, only for my stomach to tell me that I have been immoderate in my moderation. 


Anyway, I'm lucky that I had to run 10K in total over 25th and 26th. I also drank some vegetable juices to keep some semblance of normality in my diet. Tomorrow, I plan to run again to keep my hand in and (hopefully) my hips within their normal range on the lead up to New Year's Eve. And my mental health? It's hanging in there, but I certainly plan to keep it that way as far as possible with the amount of exercise that will start to return things to normal after five days of solid stodge.

View from the snug sofa.
It is pretty hard to leave these woodland animals to head for the, err, woods.

As something a little different I composed a poem for the run report I wrote for the Christmas and Boxing day Bushy Park runs. The point was to have a little bit of fun with the report, very much in the spirit of Bushy Park itself. This post serves for me as a 'check in' for my health - in every sense - and to remind me why I love parkrun and how helpful it is for me. It also serves as my community fitness contribution. I've written before about Mind's #GetSetToGo programme, which helps people to become more active for better mental health, but although this programme is currently working in a handful of locations, it's good to know that there are other community fitness schemes like the wonderful parkrun to help us to become active.

This is Andy, one of the key Bushy Park parkrun volunteers

If you are looking for a new way to keep fit in 2016, you can find a local park run here on the registration page (click for more) and even start your own. The next parkrun at Bushy is on New Year's Day, and you can walk, run, jog, hop or do a combination of all of these to join in with your community and do a bit for your fitness. Parkrun is a run, not a race. Everyone is welcome, and encouraged to do what they can. I share its desire to help people to participate at any level, for free, for better fitness for everyone. 

Runners go Crackers!

Take care in the remaining days of holiday, of yourself and others, and perhaps see you at a parkrun in 2016? x

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
No creature was stirring (we were all lying down).
The running tights snug in their drawers all together,
As we shut out the wind, and cold winter weather.
Then at seven AM, arose such a clatter
I opened my eyes to see what was the matter.
My alarm had gone off, surely by some mistake?
On Christmas Day morning? No one else was awake.
But apparently no, it was meant to be done,
As today was the Christmas day Bushy ParkRun!
I rose from my bed, and put on the lights,
To avoid falling down as I put on my tights,
Then out of the door donning festive headwear,
Hoping some other runners would also be there.
A thousand one hundred plus forty five more
Turned up as elves, reindeer and Santas galore!
Double buggies and dogs in tinsel and bells,
Dodging puddles of mud just like graceful gazelles.


Congrats to Andrius Jak-sev-ic-i-us
Who finished in first (did he hop on a bus?)
Molly Renfer: first female, 18:11
A jolly good time for a mud-spattered run.
To Craig Jarman, Matt Reed, and to Richard Berry
Congrats on new PBs and hope you are merry.
Add on seventy eight with new personal bests
Well done all eighty one, now, have well-deserved rests!


Around forty park run volunteers ran the show
With a three-funnel finish to manage the flow.
Prosecco, mince pies and sweet treats were in store
For the finishers, volunteers, fam’lies and more,
So Christmas Day started in true ParkRun style
With goodwill shown to all for just over three miles
Our five K now ended we went home to our trees
Till we’d eaten our eight thousand (ish) calories
A warm glow in our cheeks till the next week’s park fun

No, wait, it’s tomorrow for the Boxing day run!

Boxing Day turnout of 700+ parkrunners. 
Perhaps a little slower in some cases (mine) but good to participate all the same!

Saturday, 22 August 2015

I Got That Summertime, Summertime Sadness: Fragments of Two Weeks of Severe Depression


This blog post is a fragmentary group of paragraphs that don't hang together. That's because I'm not 
hanging together very well. I could use a number of similes or metaphors to describe it.


Oh my God, I feel it in the air, telephone wires above, are sizzling...

I am a bag of marbles (I haven't lost them) that are clacking against each other noisily and awkwardly and painfully. I am a collection of smiles and tears and laughter and sleeping and wakefulness. I am lost. I am feeling nothing. I am feeling too much. I still am...but what I am I cannot say...



Here are some fragments. This is what I wrote last week, and below that what I wrote before.

Last week - Friday 14th August, 6:38 pm

This week was one of the worst that I've had over the last two years - nearly two years since I have been back in the UK and supposedly back to normality. It makes me sad to write that sentence, knowing that just over a year ago I came out of hospital and was filled with being rested, re-educated about the things I can do to support myself, and understanding what my 'rights' were as an individual, even if I couldn't define them for myself, and found it impossible to say what I needed at any level.



This week my husband went back to work and we gave up our enjoyable daily routine of working in our two different bedrooms/studies and 'not talking' but 'being' together in our one dwelling. I still work from home quite a bit, but have to try and find a balance between being in the office to feel connected to my colleagues and like I have a place in the world outside, and being at home so I don't have to see anyone, to feel disconnected from the world outside.



While I'm at home I stay with all of the usual trappings that entails: running (maybe, if I can get up and make myself do it), juicing, (on a good day, and if I hadn't broken my juicer like I did yesterday), making a list for the day (so that I can compartmentalise the tasks into small, manageable chunks and prevent myself from feeling overwhelmed by the entire picture by tackling one thing at a time) and then working through that list and postponing decisions on anything else until I reach the end of the day so that I can ensure that I reach the end of the day and then can do whatever I need to to feel safe, protected, and free from worry.



This week I couldn't cope. One of the things that I am most susceptible to with depression is the fact that I have developed over my entire life an inability to cope with separation from others. My subconscious (i.e. the bit of me that makes the decisions about how I'll feel about anything, which the rational me doesn't get a say in) smashes the alarm glass and sets off the sirens when I'm left alone by people who are a supportive presence in my life. Whether for this or for other reasons, I crashed back into full scale depressive symptoms:


  • Waking up at 4 am without a hope of getting back to sleep because the 'On' button in my brain is stuck down permanently
  • Loss of interest in doing anything other than making it through the day, in a haze of numbness where I can't feel anything
  • Loss of appetite, so that even the nicest freshly-baked chocolate chip cookie might as well be cardboard going into my mouth
  • Short term memory: I'm writing absolutely everything down because I can't remember what I'm saying. I frequently lose my thread mid sentence and can't get to the end of it without having to be reminded what I was saying in the first place.
  • Low frustration tolerance. I cried in anger when I couldn't get the zip done up on one of my dresses. I was enraged when I dropped a plastic food box on the floor which meant I had to clean it. I felt inexplicably irritated when I realised we had run out of loo roll. 


And, for the last one, I cried and cried and cried about the fact that I was back down the rabbit hole of depression, with the medication and therapies that have been helping me to recover feeling like worthless placebos (which rationally I know they're not) and I cried because I was still alive feeling like this and there might never be an end to it.




Thursday 20th August, 4:27pm.


I suppose I’m still alive, but …ugh what cost? At the cost of feeling absolutely crap most of the time at the moment. I hate to say that but the next thirty years don’t feel so great. Is there really any point?

I went to hospital last week and confessed I spent at least four days out of seven wanting to be dead. They worried about me and offered admission, which I didn't want, advised me to take extra sedatives, which I felt wasn't that helpful- feeling like "Let's keep her alive by making her even more numb to the world outside". That's not living in my book.



Yes, there is a point, I know, rationally, that it must be so. But I am still all of the above, numb, frustrated, short tempered, sick of it all. I might be useful at work and get through each day with projects on track and employees supported, but I come home or leave work and I feel empty. I have nothing much left for the evening except to feed myself and then sleep. I can manage to eat (although I don’t have an appetite). I can manage to talk a little with Mat (though I lose track of what I’m saying and don’t feel I have a good grip on what’s going on in the world or that I have anything interesting to say). I can perhaps write a few tweets, respond to a couple of texts, and try to stay connected to the outside world.

Unraveling and trying to keep it together at the same time

Saturday 2nd August, 07:28am

I'm up and ready in my running gear for the park run. I've carried on doing what I can through this - I've kept going to work (from home a few days and in the office some days). This is to combine the need to hide my tear-stained face from the world at times and my need to get out there and show myself to jog myself a little back into the norms of the day and try and feel something other than nothing as I do it. I've kept running every day, and although I cried (again. So much crying these last two weeks) in anger because I managed to fall on a rainy morning and injure my elbow again, as well as develop impressive bruises all over and not be able to run the 5 miles I was planning, I didn't actually break it x-ray confirmed) so I can go and do the park run this morning. 





I've put my makeup on and met friends a couple of times, which was a struggle but probably did me a lot of good. And I have rested with books, with my beloved Netflix, and eaten sandwiches at 5pm to close the day, heading to bed to read at 6 and shutting out the world so I can draw that day to a close and rest before the next one. 




And I have done other things: I've recorded another interview for the BBC, written an article for Metro online (watch this space for that) and applied to go on Campaign Bootcamp, in spite of not being accepted last time. 



I'm recognising that my depression makes me a #spoonie and I need to select what to do and not to do when I'm really poorly. Unfortunately my social life usually is the first to go as I want to make it through work as a semblance of a normal existence. It's my choice though, and I choose how to allocate whatever energy or mixture of numbness and feeling comes to me on any of those days.




So, yes, I am alive, and I'm carrying on. I have seen from Twitter that a lot of my Twitter friends with mental illness are also having a really bad time. I'm hoping the summertime sadness will pass. As always I recognise how lucky I am to have supportive family and friends around me, and medical professionals who want to help me get better, not get (even more) lost. I hope I can write a more together post for next week. But I'll just settle for what I can manage today for now.