Reasonable, Real New Year's Resolutions for 2016... The Balance Between Ambition and Self) Acceptance

It's 16:25 on New Year's Eve 2015 and I've now made a few resolutions now that the precarious time that is - for me - Christmas - has passed.

One of them is, next year, cut down on the number of articles I read about making or breaking new year's resolutions, since it has taken me the whole afternoon and my iPad has nearly run out of juice watching back-to-back episodes of Jessica Jones on Netflix to figure out that - big whoop - lots of people make similar new year's resolutions, quite a lot of us do it when we're drunk, and many of us find that by January 5th (that's one day after returning to work for most) we're clambering for the chardonnay and shunning spin classes left right and centre.

Common resolutions as per Time 2012

And here are the favourites from this year, as per Time magazine. It seems that many people are, at this very moment, steaming broccoli and lentils (if you are, stop - you'll be bloated in your sparkly dress / dinner jacket later!) whilst writing their letters of resignation, practising deep breathing and mindfulness (that's assuming you're reading a self-help de-stress website and not taking a bath at the same time as you try and cook stuff), and juggling the steamer and the crochet needles. Good luck to you, good people. Hey, at least you'll be going out soon and can leave alone these worthy activities for a few paltry hours.

Time's Most Googled Resolutions 

Seriously, people, kale chips? Just go and buy some if you're that desperate.

Just as not everyone has a great Christmas day, a whole lot of people hate New Year's Eve, and I can't say it's always been my favourite night of the year either. For one thing, the stamina I associate with a) standing up for any period of time and b) staying up past 8pm is pretty much beyond me unless I've broken my psychiatrist's golden rule of substance misuse and hit the caffeine like a fiend. And, just so you know, since I am going out tonight, I have already made it two thirds of the way through my first 500ml Coke Zero. Spoiler alert: I may make it to midnight, with a few more of those under my belt.

AT LEAST this many and I may make it

The second reason is that I've still spend most of my life as a single person, albeit that for the first fifteen of those, it was definitely acceptable, or let's even say appropriate for that to happen. I'm sure I don't need to explain that it's not exactly fun to go out on the night of the year when everyone's focused on having 'the best night ever' when you're single. That's a night built up for failure without a kiss at midnight. You've donned your sequins, followed the tutorials on how to make yourself into a new year, new you woman for the night, and you've spent far too much money for some flouncy event it'll cost you a fortune so get home from. And this is not New Year's Eve, the movie, so the likelihood that you'll meet Ashton Kutchner in the broken elevator is pretty slim (though, if that does happen to you, fair play!).

Oh Ashton, not even you can pull this look off. Enough now.

I don't know where those house parties are that have a bunch of random single people who've never met each other before. To me that's just called inviting complete strangers into your home and feeding them alcohol. Forget new year's resolutions. Just don't be a complete dimwit! Anyway, those are the parties where across a crowded room a young-ish woman (anywhere between 16 and 45, let's say) can expect to glance across the room with her newly smoky-ed luscious lids and lock eyes with someone who's vaguely in the sphere of being good looking, isn't wearing a wedding ring, and in any case looks a little bit like James Bond (i.e. is wearing black tie, which means even the pimply and puny stand a chance of romance).

Line up fellas. Tonight you too can be 

any of these short Hollywood celebrities.

My best worst NYE: 1999-2000. Not only did all the computers make it through just fine as the clocks struck midnight; not only did the 'river of fire' in no way ignite along the Thames that night. Worse. I lost one of my Patrick Cox loafers in the muddy banks of the Thames. If you're listening, old river, you owe me a loafer. I hope you're enjoying wearing it in your watery depths tonight. I can tell you it was not that much fun walking all the way back to Kennington from the south bank near Vauxhall with just one shoe. Not much fun at all. And no kiss at midnight. No Champagne either. More like a can of Tizer and a freezing cold and altogether underwhelming night. Happy New Year? Oh F off.

Seriously Jools, I think you're great, but I might just call it a night.

(Joking aside, there are much worse situations. If you're with someone you don't get on with, or who is even abusive either mentally, verbally or physically, that's worse than being alone. If you are in that situation please try to keep yourself safe and contact Refuge for support. You deserve better.) If you're in an unhappy relationship that can be a lot lonelier than being alone on any night of the year. I am lucky to be blessed with my wonderful husband. I'm so grateful to have someone by my side through all this life.

We really need to think about our priorities

Fun is fun, but we could all get a laugh watching

the Oban fireworks catastrophe of 2011

Last year I talked about the pressures of the season - that five seconds after being encouraged to shove every fatty, creamy, stodgy food down your gullet you're expected to squeeze yourself into sexy, slinky spandex and strut your funky stuff in stilettos that are far too uncomfortable to be worn even sitting down, let alone with the extra five pounds of lard you've casually added to your girth over the last few days. And that would be my own personal third reason.

You said it, Sali. 

(And apologies if you hate this avatar, 

Bitstrips didn't turn out to be quite the easy (or accurate)

avatar creator that I thought it was)

(Link to Sali's article on The Pool) I told you I'd done my reading :)

Anyway, back to new year's resolutions. What I realised reading through all the articles this afternoon is that, like everything else, new year's resolutions could do with a bit of balance to be effective. So here they are:

Overall: be more mindful and take care of my mental health so that I can achieve the other resolutions as far as I possibly can.

Yes indeed. The first resolution is about being ambitious, forward-thinking and aim for progress, but in the end achieve what I can with the right degree of balance to I can be healthy (within my control).

I haven't figured out a master plan, but what I do know is that I won't give up sharing my story with as many organisations or people who will have me. The only way we're going to normalise mental health in the workplace and the world is if we make having conversations about it easier. I believe this will help people find help earlier and easier, and hopefully make for healthier attitudes all round.

Me, jumping over rocks in a baseball cap.

I suppose it could happen.

It's not all that helpful to say to yourself, "Lose weight", or even "Lose twenty pounds by April", in my case, because I don't know whether my body will be able to do it. My medications have weight gain side-effects; my back still gets sore and my mental health is still teetering on a slender pinnacle between fine and failing, so to set targets like this aren't going to work for me.

Again, Tim, I know it doesn't look like you. Sorry. And sorry to your wife too. 

I know who wears the proverbial trousers.

I have made the above few resolutions after some thought about what I wanted to achieve in the next year, but they are longer term goals, more likely to result in success, going by what Tim Dowling suggests in his piece on fool proof new year's resolutions, published today. (By the way, Tim, in the unlikely event that you read this piece, apologies for your avatar. I tried but there's only so many things you can do with Bitstrips' avatars. I know it looks nothing like you. Sorry.)

There's a theme to them, though: that I'm going to try, but I'm also going to try not to be too hard on myself for these resolutions. They don't have definitive outcomes. That's deliberate. I've set targets that are very specific in my life before - both personally and at work, but for the next year given the delicate state of my health I want to have areas to focus on, but not milestones which - should I fall short of them - will fuel the fire of self-loathing or a sense of failure.

I'm spending tonight over the road at my local pub with my husband. The very kind manager has allowed me to reserve a table because she knows I can't stand. There will be a band, which I'm looking forward to, and I'm hoping my husband will grace me with a new year's kiss...and then tomorrow I'll get up and run the parkrun, possibly with quite the hangover. Whatever you're up to, I hope that you have a not-unhappy night, and whatever the year brings your way, please take care of yourself. Sending you love for 2016. x

Community Spirits...Let's All Stand Together in Love, Support and Respect

Sitting and reflecting on the wonderful communities I belong to

Did you know that there was a time when communities didn't exist at all? I hadn't thought of it until I was in my third year at university learning about Ancient Greece and I started reading about the way city states (poleis or polis, singular) were created.

"Greek citizenship stemmed from the fusion of two distinct but related elements, (a) the notion of the individual state as a 'thing' with boundaries, an ongoing existence, and a power of decision, and (b) the notion of its inhabitants participating in its life as joint proprietors."

Of course, communities and the act of living together go back tens of thousands of years before this, but as any historian would say, that's "not my period"! (I think they were talking about dates, though one can never be too sure.) As early as the seventh century BC, people were identifying themselves as a group with the people who lived around them, making boundaries that defined where they were and then taking part in life as a group.

Totally Locally... Teddington

For me it's hard to believe that people didn't always have a joint identity at least where they lived. Now, of course, we have communities all around us, not only where we live, but where we work, where we exercise, where we go to school or university, and where we join groups with like-minded people for artistic, political, religious or any other type of shared interest.

We all stand together. Indeed. Love this.

Over the past year I've experienced some of the best community spirits I could possibly imagine.
My work colleagues in the KPMG Learning Academy are brilliant people who have supported me with reasonable adjustments for my health, real dedication and team spirit for every project we've worked on together. I've made friends at Bushy Park parkrun where we gather in rain or frost or (crosses fingers) sunshine at 9am on a Saturday to do a collectively mad thing and run around the park for a 5K run. I've been accepted by Mind as a volunteer and together we are working on addressing the stigma around mental health and trying to raise funds to get people the support they so deserve, and the respect that should be a given but is still something many are struggling to find. I've had my wonderful friends, who have sent me messages in tough times and shared their own troubles with me, and we've supported each other, which, as my therapist keeps telling me, is exactly how it should be.

A new community of friends made through

Helen Astrid and her Singing Academy

The community I haven't mentioned about is the place where I live - Teddington. Having broken back my back late last year, and also trying to manage my depression through 'reasonable adjustments' like home working and not travelling, I've stayed at home to work for a lot of my working weeks. As I've said before, this is hugely helpful because I've been able to stave off loneliness which I experience when I'm isolated too much from others, It's a balance for me of wanting to get out into the world and see people and feeling that I'm not up to it on other days. Thankfully at the moment those days are much fewer, but I do pause to check in with my health regularly to see if I'm lower than usual and might need to do something extra to keep my health as good as I can.

London, Christmas Style

Teddington is a small town about 35 minutes from central London by train. Many families live here, many people (from my small network) seem to have grandparents or great aunts here. And there are also people like me, in their thirties (and twenties) who have a flat here because it's (just about) affordable based on quite a good salary and is not too far away from central London. It used to be colloquially and locally known as Deadington, lacking many shops, with a fairly unhealthy crime rate and not much going on.

Thanks Postman Pat for teaching me about communities from an early age.

Plus, you had a cat called Jess. I had to be on your team!

What a difference even in the five years since we've lived here. We have a huge range of unique shops selling everything you could want, and a particularly strong collection of independent shops, which I'm really proud of, especially given our current economic climate and how challenging it is to afford all things small-business.

Hands up!

Within those small businesses I've made friends with some very special people in the last year. I've been able to get out of the house and experience just a little bit of the outside world when I'm particularly unwell, or when better I've had wonderful conversations with these people and we've shared laughs and experiences in a way that has been hugely beneficial to my mental health. I am really touched by the kindness, support and love that I've received (and hopefully I've given some of this back!).

My mum... I'm so lucky to have a supportive family

Last night I launched my mental health campaign #RedefiningResilience at 1of1 Designs, a beautiful treasure trove of a shop where you can find many, many treats for yourself or your home, run with love by Kate and her husband Charlie, who also generously donated 10% of takings to Mind last night. Other special local businesses (and a few chains too) were kind enough to donate raffle prizes for the night, which raised money for Mind. A local couple who run a wine company - Doran Vineyards - provided wine for the event, my friend Hannah (whom I had not seen for 15+ years since we left school!) went above and beyond the bounds of friendship and made 50 cupcakes with cherry blossom decoration to match the brand.

AND they tasted SO GOOD

On top of all of the above, the friends who either came along or sent messages of good luck from wherever they were, truly touched me. I think it's probably quite hard to be friends with me because although I manage to work full time and hardly ever take a day off, there have to be trade-offs for this, and they come in the form of my being not always that social. That being said, I love my friends, I love seeing them and that we support each other, and last night very special messages came my way, and some people discovered that the journey from Highgate to Teddington really does take about an hour and a half, even on good public transport! Eek!

My friend George...A super friend.

I am a part of a community of individuals challenging stigma around mental health, but in all of the above I find myself in communities. At work, in Teddington, in my interests in books and films and food, and in much more. Within our communities we can make positive changes - whether that's at work or elsewhere. Working together, supporting one another, we can grow. As a change management specialist, who tries to shape change within organisations through learning, communicating and bringing people together, I see everyday why it is important that we have our communities (or our networks if that sounds more work-appropriate).

Speaking at the Redefining Resilience Launch in Teddington

at 1of1Designs Teddington, who generously hosted the event

The communities that I have chosen form my identity, as a friend, wife, colleague, campaigner, patient and more. Without this support, I don't think I could be here today, so thank you to all of you.
I have included some pictures and videos of the communities in my video diary series #12DaysOfXmasMH. This short Christmas campaign describes my experiences of what resilience and what mental health is like for me, and a big part of that is finding support from others that enables me to keep going.

More posts to come, but for now, thank you, readers, because you are a part of this community reading the blog and interacting with mental health and life and all its winding pathways. Take care of yourselves and I send you much love for the weekend. x

Can't wait to give these gifts to my family tomorrow!

Short Post - Shortlisted for Women of the Future Award 2015

It is such an honour to be shortlisted for a Women of the Future award - thank you

I'm surprised, delighted and somewhat speechless and overwhelmed to announce that I've been shortlisted for a Women of the Future award in the category for Community Spirits. Congratulations to all the other women who are shortlisted with me and for the amazing work that they do.

You can read the full nomination listings here

This comes a few days after it was announced that I am also now named as 1/30 Inspirational City Women Champions of Diversity by Brummell magazine.

You can read all the 30 listed women's profiles here

Being recognised by both of these organisations / publications is a tremendous honour. A year ago I still wasn't being fully open about my mental health because I was terribly afraid of the stigma I might receive from others, as I had experienced in the past. I still see that stigma and experience it both personally and through the accounts others share with me. But now I talk about it. I won't accept it. I speak out and up and will keep speaking until this stops.

I support @mindcharity and @timetochange 

as a media volunteer, a campaigner, a runner and more.

Please read more about the work of these two amazing charities here: 

Mind and Time to Change

This stigma has to end. Mental illness is a killer and not being able to talk about it makes it worse. If you can start a conversation in your work place, your family, with your friends or with someone on the bus where we talk about being more accepting, understanding and kind to each other, whatever our differences are, whatever illness or disability we may have, we can make this conversation part of a bigger national and international discussion where we can highlight the dreadful stigma around mental illness and  - together - end it once and for all. I represent a person who is living with a mental illness but I am living with it. I am not a psycho, a nutter, a mental case, a head case. I am not a #headclutcher. I have an illness and I need respect for that. And then I need respect to get on with my life as I choose to. And one of the things I choose is to speak up for others suffering with mental illness (and stigma) who do not feel they want to or are able to speak for themselves.

Read more here about @Rethink_ and this statistic

I hope you will join me and have a conversation about this today, tomorrow, or someday soon. #MentalHealthMatters. We all have it, and we need to look after it. Our own and others'.

Thank you for supporting my blog where I will continue to share my story and perspectives on what mental illness is really like. And thank you to @womenoffuture and @BrummellMag for recognising me. I am overwhelmed, delighted and inspired. I hope it will help to bring more people into the conversations we need to have about #MentalIllness and the actions we need to take to change how we care for mentally ill people - the millions within our country struggling and surviving (or not surviving) - better.

Thank you.