It’s been a busy week in the media for mental health, which
is very positive as far as I’m concerned, but also gives me pause to, well,
pause, because I’ve been involving myself in many of the discussions going on
and probably need to take a break and make sure I’m taking care of myself.
Monday morning was a bit like Christmas in the world of
mental health, and my present was a whole one hour and a half programme on BBC
two dedicated to the discussion of many aspects of mental health. If you missed
it, the Victoria Derbyshire programme featured both a panel of medical experts
and celebrity-come-mindfulness-expert Ruby Wax, and is available on BBC iPlayer
for the next month.
Victoria and me. Unfortunately this was the one shot I got.
I look happy. She...not so much
I knew what was coming when Mind contacted me about
potentially appearing. An eye wateringly) (more like eye-rubbing-ly) early
start and no make-up artists to make me look like I hadn’t been up since 5.
Imagine for a moment if you arrived at the airport ahead of your long haul
transatlantic flight, only to find that a film crew was waiting to catch your
(eye) bags and pallid, pre-holiday complexion. Now imagine that being broadcast
to thousands of viewers. And now imagine that you have anxiety and depression,
which manifests itself as feeling hyper self-conscious of everything about you
that is visible and invisible.
Me - in taxi at 6am and on set at 8am.
Purple and Pink Hair meets Purple set and shiny forehead
(Plus, can you tell I'm depressed? See, I am, but you can't tell...)
I talk about my experience. And am shiny. You can watch the full show here:
Oh, the fun we had! 80 people with some kind of lived
experience of mental health, lined up in the BBC café area (not open), drinking
coffee, tea and eating chocolate biscuits. I like drinking juice as much as the
next person, but there’s nothing like an instant shot of cheap chocolate
covered refined sugar.
The master biscuit. I salute you.
Following that, I also contributed to a forthcoming Buzzfeed
article – watch this space for that – and also then attended a workshop with
@LatimerGroup to discuss ideas for a new advert for Time To Change. It’s so
good to meet people who do and don’t have lived experiences of mental health
and share our ideas for what would work as a concept to help people to seek
help or just find out a bit about what mental health means.
It has been a great week for mental health, but I felt down
as early as Tuesday and at that point I knew I had to make adjustments to make
things work. I felt tired on Tuesday morning so benefited once again from my “reasonable
adjustments” at work, choosing to work my full day from home instead of in the
office, which helps me avoid a three hour roundtrip commute. I took a 1 hour
thirty minute lunch break so I could have a midday nap.
(Note, this is against
doctor’s orders, I’m not really meant to nap during the day.) I got to the end
of the day. I got to my workshop, despite still feeling tired and starting to
feel low because of the tiredness added to the things that make me sad from
time to time – loneliness, stress, negative thoughts about friends, hating my
body, hating my stupid illness, and so on. Love the thought process of
depression. Really I do. I made it back in time for bed and slept. (And I had
eaten four sliced of Domino’s for dinner. Carbs help with sleep. But if you’re
reading this for health tips for eating, this is not the post for you!)
The pizza was healing.
I don't care what they say about additives.
These slices were just what I needed.
Sleep, enough medication and, yes, pizza, helped put paid to
my anxiety and depressive mood in time for Wednesday, so I made it through the
day with a run, full day of work, therapy, dinner and a movie (at home, though,
I was pretty tired again!). And I ran again on Thursday and went into work
(with cupcakes (see comment above. Not the healthiest week), had a (near) fight
with a guy in IT who tried to order me around. (Note to all: this is never a
good idea! Cue Jessica death stare con 5. That baby doesn’t usually emerge
outside the classroom when year seven need to know to stop. To stop right now.)
I had a series of good meetings (that’s because the team I work with are all so
lovely) and then came home and rested again.
Mini oreo cookies. Small things come in beautiful
(sometimes with gooey icing) packages
I have to try to take breaks even when my head is all over
the place and when my body feels twitchy all over from the medication side
effects or whatever else is going on. I don’t feel like doing it. I feel like
stepping outside my body and outside my mind. How bad I feel changes from
episode to episode, but this week I never reached the terrible place, not
quite, because I was able to recognise enough in the calendar to see I really
did have to stop frequently. Otherwise that terrible place might be here again.
And it might come without my help, so I’ll do everything I can. And Forrest
Gump’s mother was right about the box of chocolates, too, in case you’re
wondering.
You said it Sally
It sounds so simple, take a break. (Have a KitKat. Oh, I don’t
mind if I do!) If I’m honest, though, I’m just not good at taking breaks. I
tell myself, go on, keep going, you can do it, just a bit more, just another
hour, just another email, just another half a mile, just another phone call.
All those “just anothers” add up to a whole lot of “too much” if I’m not
careful.
Just another half a mile. Just another juice. Just another 'just'
On the flipside, I wrote an email to a good friend today
where I expressed my frustrations at the things I can’t do:
“I remark on the things I still don’t do – like cooking for
example – which I used to love and now find little energy left for after
managing with work…”
Kind of ironic. I clearly haven't lost interest in food if this blog is anything to go by. But I reflect and I see that there are positives and negatives. Balance. It's about balance.
I’ve said it before and I say it today: cognitive
behavioural therapy is for me, in part, a constant process of trying to be more
reflective and mindful of what I’m doing. It’s a double edged sword. I have to
do this to get better; but doing it makes me feel terrible. If I can take joy
in small things, I will. If I can notice that I got to the end of the day,
feeling absolutely horrific, I still did get to the end of that day. (At this
point I’d probably have buried my head in the duvet, into the pillow, having
shut down the light in the room as much as I could, having cleaned all my
makeup off, my mask, from my face, scrubbed my teeth so the mint taste distracts me, and having surrendered myself to bed and
oblivion.)
Blurring into Oblivion
So here’s another end of the week. It was a great week for
discussion on mental health. It was a terrible week for funding cuts. It was an
alarming week for statistics on mental health and men’s suicide figures. It was
a good week at work. It was an okay week for running. And it was a week. It
was.
See you next week?
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