The ever constant beauty of New York City
at the Central Park reservoir
The last time I set foot in New York I had sat on the hard
wood floor of my stripped apartment and waved goodbye to my life there as if that process was as simple as packing up my
furniture and bags into cardboard boxes and waving goodbye to them. After a
last lunch with friends on a freezing cold sunny January day in 2014 my life as
a New York resident ended and my life in London with Mat resumed full time.
Sean at Dublin airport helping me get from plane to plane despite feet, back, stomach etc. problems. If you meet him in the future, you've met a celebrity. The guy literally knows everyone in the place.
Perhaps you might understand then, especially if you read my
earlier post, that I was very nervous about returning to a place that had given
me so many mixed memories of bitter-sweetness. I loved (I love) New York that I
didn’t know what would happen when I returned there for a great friend’s
wedding. I’m not supposed to predict the future (meaning thinking about all the
things that are coming up and considering each possible outcomes that could
occur). It’s actually a thinking trap or a false perception that doing that –
thinking about all the “maybes” and “mights” of future events makes me less
worried or stressed about them. It actually makes it a lot worse.
This can be a pretty accurate picture of the concentration of my thoughts,
and there's little room for mindfulness (or any activity) when this happens
Now sometimes I find this useful – at work it can help me to
stay on the board with the list of to-dos (and to create things that aren’t on
that list but might be valuable to add to it!). With moderation so that I don’t
burn out I have found this to be a career enhancing skill to possess – that ability
to switch my brain into overdrive mode so that I am not only thinking about the
current to do list, but the non-existent to do list, plus the overall strategic
approach to the pieces of work I’m leading. However, this time I am trying to
take a chill pill and stop wondering what if, and just live a bit
more in the moment.
When Harry Met Sally...a classic and a depiction of depression in New York because of lost love. (Plus a happy ending.)
"...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Harry Burns
The minute we arrived off the plane things were already so
different. I wasn’t waiting in my apartment for a text from Mat saying he’d
just got off the plane and was on his way; I was sitting beside him and he was
holding my hand as we landed and looking out onto JFK. We held hands in the
taxi and laughed about the traffic. (Okay, so we didn’t laugh about the
traffic, we laughed about the fact that the traffic still sucked and wasn’t it
annoying and he was still holding my hand when we arrived at the hotel.)
Back in NYC, the city that never sleeps. Luckily these days, for me, I do.
I guess a wedding-themed trip is always going to have a
focus on romance, and I welled up like a true cliché when the beautiful bride
walked down the aisle to meet her groom Phil, a friend from university. It
reminded me how wonderful my life with Mat is and how lucky I am to have him –
again and again. New York is very different returning as a visitor hand in hand
with my husband and knowing that we’ll leave together. I am a big believer that
we are all able to help to make ourselves better by working hard to put into
practice the tools we’ve learned to combat those horrid thinking traps that
seem to plague me in numbers akin to the number of cockroaches in this stunning
and sordid city. But sometimes, it has to be said that I recognise that making
an actual change in my life can make a huge difference to how I feel.
Getting hitched in the city. Perfect wedding and reminder of my own
amazing good fortune to have my wonderful husband.
When I returned home to the UK I let go of all the stresses
that came with trying to have a functioning marriage on two continents, along
with paying two sets of bills every month, paying for two properties and trying
to live on whatever was left over. (Thank you, Subway, I am thankful for your
$5 footlongs, though despite what you said the calorie count was the fact that
I gained 10lbs living in the US for two years doesn’t inspire me with
confidence. Sorry Jared Fogle.) The loneliness and stresses had really got to me and the physical process of
releasing that, while sad, was also liberating and relaxing. Of course, then I
started a new job and new challenges started, but it was great to let go of my
double life.
A Picasso at MoMA. I can easily imagine the woman seeing her different reflection experiencing the challenges of existence, presenting an outward face of calm contrasting with an inward face of unrest.
New York living can be as high octane as you want to make it
and I used to be someone who would just go, go, and keep going forever until at
some late point it was time to stop working or partying…and sleep a bit until
the next day when it started over and over again. This is truly the opposite of
mindfulness. I could let three months go past and hardly notice that it had
happened, because I’d never stopped the whole time. Now I am savouring my
moments in New York. We have our list of the ‘must dos’ because my husband and
I – in spite of all of the difficulties and loneliness - both felt we had some of
happiest memories in this crazy, beautiful city.
Running the reservoir. Always a must-do activity for me
On this five day trip I’ve had a rest each day, done at
least one activity (e.g. visiting a museum, a landmark, taking a slow walk-run
in Central Park), one meal (or maybe two, yep, definitely two) and drinks in
one of our favourite places. I've also enjoyed writing postcards home to my friends and family. I used to write them every time I went away and I've missed not sending those missives of friendship and love from wherever I go to keep in touch on paper, rather than via our internet-focused existences.
Keeping on running. A glorious day for a run (/ walk!) in Central Park
Taking a slower approach to New York is very new for me, but
I have been mindful of each experience. I’ve breathed more slowly (believe me, if
this doesn’t sound like much, then it really is for me.
Savouring the hot dogs at Schnippers. Oh yes...
...and savouring the art (the SHOE art) at MoMA (all by Andy Warhol)
I am Miss
Hyperactivity…or at least I used to be), I’ve looked around and noticed what’s
around me this time, tried to taste (tried a good few times to taste) the
pasta, the burgers and the cocktails. I’ve made myself sit down and write this
today while Mat goes shopping and relaxed. (Although, dear reader, I am just a
little apprehensive at the prospect of his return from this mission given that
he and I, partners and compatible in so many ways, are polar opposites in this
regard, so I need to practise some deep breathing in case he shows up totally
freaked out!)
A night under the stars and bright lights of Manhattan.
All dressed up and telling myself to be confident in myself.
I’ve also tried to become a bit more body confident (which is
another perpetual struggle, especially after all the weight-gaining meds, to
wear my clothes with confidence and feel beautiful no matter how many size
double (or triple) zero sharp New York women are wandering around, which used
to bother me so.
The newly re-opened and beautifully refurbished Tavern on the Green.
Here's the terrace on a stunning evening.
I have realised that I have spent so much time on previous
holidays trying to race through everything and trying hard to have a good time
that I made it almost impossible to have one. I’ve answered that question that
everyone always asks you on your first day back at work (you know, “How was
your holiday?”) with a lie. Nearly. Every. Single. Time. So you’ll see some
holiday snaps throughout this post, some of the art I saw, some of the places I
returned to and looked at with my new, clear and calmer and more content eyes.
And if I’m stressed out tomorrow, well, at least I wasn’t today – or today so
far. And that’s good enough for me. Till next time. x
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