M'aidez on May Day - Getting Help

I've been meaning to write about the rest of my Japanese adventures, and they will come. This week has been interesting, though, for a number of other reasons, as I've returned to a semblance of normality with the working week, weekend and so on. And with those normalities come some of the 'normal' feelings of depression and anxiety that at times I feel that I want to run away from and at times just bury myself in the sand (i.e. the duvets) and hide from the world.

Saying this out loud has taken me a long time. But I've got there.

I may have mentioned this before, but a lot of people who have not previously been diagnosed with depression don't recognise the symptoms, in their infancy, for what they are. A change in appetite, a few bad nights' sleep and a lack of interest in doing things might slip by unnoticed for a while. Added to this the fact that many people who suffer from depression (and I would include myself in this 'many') are people who push themselves fairly far towards (and sometimes past) their own limits to 'succeed' in whatever way they can, whether it's at work, with a partner or in social situations.

Being superwoman isn't possible, and the kryptonite that gets me every time is depression coming back to remind me that I need to balance what I can do with what's realistic for my health.

There have been many posts and articles this week elsewhere which have sparked my interest in writing about my own situation again. This week is a pinnacle in my long road of depressive episodes as I can feel myself getting worse and worse towards next week when I have a planned hospital recovery period in the calendar for the whole of next week, and know that I will benefit hugely from some rest, some structured help, and just by being around other people who are freely talking about their struggles in a safe environment where there is no potential for shame, stigma, or having to pretend to be something that one is not.

I've now stopped pretending, but I still expect people to dislike me a lot of the time,

 and am a work in progress towards accepting myself

The fact is that when we can recognise the symptoms sooner we can stop the depression getting so terrible that we need to take many weeks off and have years of recovery ahead. It's hard to spot the signs and do something about them when you're feeling absolutely dreadful, but if you can do anything towards this it's a real bonus.

I've stopped pretending now - to a large extent: as difficult as I find it to accept myself to be myself, the real myself and not the garrulous 'great pretender' for whom everything is joyous, funny and to be made into a grand joke,, but I am trying to be just me whether it's me not having a great day or something else.

Sometimes plugging in or distracting is the safest way to get through to tomorrow

Here's a comment I wrote just now for a piece published recently in the Guardian:

Quoted from article: "People suffering from long-term conditions, such as mental health problems, will spend most of their time outside of NHS and social care settings."

[My comment]: I first realised I was depressed aged 20 when I sat in my university room, crying and crying but pushing my fist into my mouth or my head into the pillow, hoping my roommate couldn't hear and hoping that she could.

Fifteen years later I understand I was depressed and anxious as a young child, with the dreadful dread in my stomach, aged three or four.

My help has rarely come from the NHS; I'm not 'bad enough' or 'Ill enough' to qualify for anything more than a gp appointment. So I saw a (private) Ed Psych when I couldn't go to school anymore; I saw a wonderful (private) counsellor who helped me get back to university and complete my degree; I took pills from the NHS when I couldn't get (afford) help elsewhere. I had therapy again (privately) which was terrible and didn't help. And last year I was in hospital (privately) because I didn't want to live but - again - I wasn't ill enough for NHS help of the kind I needed. And now my GP remains supportive but my major support comes from (private) medical care. This weekend and next week I'll get some more of this kind of help to keep me going, to not take the worst step. Thank you to my brain for just about enabling me to study, work and pay for my life in private mental health care.

Thank you to all of those charities mentioned above. Although I have not benefited from you directly my knowledge of others who can't afford care privately need you now more than ever. You are amazing and I pledge to continue to support Mind and Time to Change and others as much as I can. Because not everyone is as lucky as me and can afford this care or have it covered by private medical care. And for goodness sake, we're still working hard to get it recognised as with equal rights to those with non-mental health conditions. It's already so hard. Let's help each other. And by the way, #GE2015 candidates, I'd gladly pay extra tax to support the NHS to be able to survive and serve us all - mental health and other patients - better. Just give me a call. @volette or via my blog Laptop on Tour.

Thank you Guardian for publishing this piece. I believe the third sector is critical for helping those in need struggling with all the debilitating effects of many mental illnesses. Thank you.

There's a third element that supports recovery that is not mentioned here, and I think is truly, critically important, and that is the support that comes from one's friends and family. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my friends and family for their unswerving support for me through all the difficult times that I've experienced. I continue to need them (and this is challenging, as I ask myself, "When (soon surely) will people become sick of my sickness and my need for support?" I don't know the answer but I hope it lasts a bit longer than my illness does...and in return I hope that I try to be a good friend when I can, and answer texts or send them, make phone calls or meet up when I'm well enough, and when not that I'm accepted to do that. I hope so. 

I find these positive statements hard to hear, but I'm glad some one is saying them.

I don't think it matters whether it's a friend or a family member (or indeed a partner) who is your go-to person when struggling. I hope that everyone can have someone, and if not someone in their personal or professional lives, then I find all the more reason to support the vital charities mentioned in the Guardian piece and many more who do so much. I am an advocate for supporting one another, and for feeling free and able to go in search of that support without fear of judgment or censure. With that said, I wish you all a healthy weekend ahead, and hope that if you need help you can find it from your friends, your support networks, third sector organisations or medical professionals. After all, we all need a little help sometimes, and we can share in the mutual support of others and ourselves by working together. Take care. x

With a little help..this can be true.

Don't Stress, it's only a Fracture...Happy Holi Everyone!

Today is Holi holiday, a festival of colour. Click here (today only, I'm guessing) for the Google doodle which leads in colourful fashion to learning more about what Holi is . In India there are beautiful displays of a love and fun-spirited appreciation of colour. "It brings people together" and anticipates fruitfulness in the seasons to come. Fruitfulness which we in the western world may take to mean either its original and literal meaning, or merely a sense that things are getting better.

Holi Colours ready to wear

Here in London, I mentioned to a friend yesterday how glad I was that the evenings were lighter - that is was no longer already dark long before 5pm - and that it lifted my spirits to see the day lengthening and the nights giving way to warmer spring and summer months. I need daylight and exercise, and the colours the daylight shows me, to feel the beneficial presence of nature in vitamin form within my body and give a natural boost to the antidepressant medication I'm taking. And also I need exercise, which has long been a known natural shot of endorphin-boosting joy to my system.

Battersea Tower and Holi...and the return of blue sky

Unfortunately I'm seeing less of these than usual, because exactly a week ago today I woke up with unexplained pain on the sole of my right foot. Pain which felt like I'd held my foot in the equivalent of a clawed fist all night long and now needed to stretch it out somehow and release all of that tension. I did release it, if you could call it that. I walked to the train and into work and by the time I got there the pain had subsided into a nagging ache and I shook it off, and went on with the day.

This is a slight, slight exaggeration of my attitude...

Two days later, after two more days waking like this, I could hardly walk and the pain was going nowhere. Added to this three different doctors looking at my foot (one at the 'walk in' centre, whose name they still need to change, one at my GP surgery and one at A&E (that's the emergency room in case anyone's wondering)).

Even this little bird would have had a better diagnosis for me. 

And he would have sung it. Win.

None of these doctors could agree on what was wrong. I spent six hours in A&E on Monday and had such a bad time that despite my respect for the NHS I wrote a letter of formal complaint about the way that I was treated (or rather not treated) there.
"I've looked at your X-ray with two other doctors and we can't see a fracture," said my doctor. (In fact he said nothing like this because his English was so poor I couldn't understand whether he was asking me a question or diagnosing me, or ordering a pizza, but I think this was the gist).
"Okay," I countered, "So what is wrong with it?"
A look of amazement crossed the doctor's face. Oh shit. She's right. Now I have to tell her something else. Bollocks. What do I do now?
"I will talk to the SHO Orthopaedics" (It could have been. Let's give the bloke the benefit of the doubt.)
Five minutes later: "It might be fractured so we will give you a boot and you come to fracture clinic in one week."
"So it is fractured or it isn't?"
"We don't know, so come back in a week."
There endeth the diagnosis and prognosis. Great. Thanks for that.

And then there's the humiliation that comes alongside this - another injury to add to the catalogue I've racked up in the last year - is that I am vulnerable and lame from these other injuries, and that as I take another taxi to another hospital appointment, I am already on the verge of tears even before I arrive. I wept through most of these appointments with embarrassing fluidity. Also, from anger that I can't just bear these things and get on; that depression comes back (even if fleetingly) to kick me while I'm down.

Oh the ugliness. there's no Prada here, or Gucci, or Yves Saint Laurent. 

There's just one boot. A boot too many.

I can barely make jokes anymore about my condition. Although, hang on, here's a good one: what do you get if you put a woman with a (now mended) broken back and an un-mended broken elbow to bed? A fractured foot, that's what. Or it might be.

If the TV were the computer, this would be me. 

(Yep, that's right, I'm a disgruntled, pink bunny rabbit.)

As no one at Kingston hospital had a clue, I should be thankful (and I really and truly am) for my private health insurance (they're not going to be that thankful for me, I'm sure!) I have now seen a specialist and am having an MRI this afternoon. All good progress. But how on earth could I have fractured (or stress fractured, if that's what it turns out to be) my foot just by walking and sitting down. Wayne Rooney did it, apparently. The only thing Wayne Rooney and I have in common. Well, apart from the time he and I both slept with women old enough to be our grandmothers. But apart from that time, nothing I can think of. I can't play football. He can't conjugate Latin verbs (Wayne, feel free to correct me if that's wrong) or make banana loaf cake so good it's often eaten in one sitting. Or paint. Etc.

"And Rooney claps as Carmody successfully recites the principle parts of Fero"

 (Ferro, Ferre, Tuli, Latum. See?)

I sat at the hospital weeping over my foot because I was just so pissed off with the whole thing. I was pissed off when the doctor at A&E asked why no one was there with me (because most people work for a living, idiot!) and at the woman sitting in the X-Ray waiting room who asked me "Are you going on holiday?" eyeing my roller suitcase I'd brought just in case I were admitted, despite the fact she was using one of those tartan covered trolleys my Nana used to have TWICE the size of my tiny, sleek, silver roll-aboard. I just said "No," because any other response would have either been exceptionally offensive, or tears again. No win for me either way.

If Kate Moss ever uses one of these, I'll have to shoot myself.

I thought twice about whether to post anything at all about this, so sick I am of all of this. But hey, this is what the week turned out to be. Odd, annoying, bed-ridden. On the plus side I've finished "Travelling to Infinity" by Jane Hawking, and am half way through "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed.

To be recommended...a book about Jane and her life with Stephen. 

Worth remembering it's about her if you see the excellent "The Theory of Everything"

I booked a holiday to Tokyo for April (so, foot, whatever the hell is wrong with you please sort yourself out) and one to Rome for May, evidence that I am sincerely lusting for sunshine, travel, a change of scenery from my still chilly bedroom and the interminable builders outside on the high street. So there is sun ahead. And fruitfulness - in gelato form or whatever.  I'm after colour. I'm after society (I haven't left the house with one exception other than to attend 5 medical appointments this week (so far, the week ain't over yet...) and I'm after something other than this incessance of injury).

Now this is the kind of boot I can get on board with!

And I'm sick of myself for feeling fed up with it all, because I know that really I'm lucky for having modern medicine, private health insurance, a comfortable bed and all mod cons available to me. So I'm going to shut up now and get ready for appointment number 6. I am going to think about painting and colour, holidays, the fact that it's Friday and the weekend is so, so nearly here. And hope that I can be a bit less boring and cheerful going into it. I will wear red lipstick in homage to Holi and a colourful scarf to counter the drear of my high-tech grey boot. So happy Holi everyone, and be careful out there in the colourful world, because high jinks can lead to higher accident rates. Even if you're asleep at the time.

Have a happy and safe Holi - enjoy it out there!

Beat It: The Real Deal on Coping with Mental Illnesses

I imagine and hope that tomorrow will feature a fair amount of press coverage of 'Time to Talk' day which +Time to Change Campaign has promoted as a day where they are asking people to take 5 minutes to talk about mental health, with the hope that they will achieve a total of 24 hours of conversations in total.

So what will you be talking about tomorrow?

The three most common types of mental illness (or issues associated with mental illness) are stress, anxiety and depression. The NHS and many other useful websites promote tips on how to counter feelings of stress and anxiety (and depression, though anxiety and depression are somewhat opposite in the way a sufferer experiences them). I'm going to look at the tips, and my response to what this means for someone (me) who has suffered from all three of these conditions at one time or another:

Okay, so pretty much no one looks like this or has a sunsetting beach to run along. And she looks like she's in a female hygiene products commercial.

 Plus I bet the sand is stinging her feet. But getting active can help. 

1.  Be active:

I think physical activity is a wonderful idea. Fresh air helps and getting out and about can lift your spirits by taking you out from where you were and helping you to relax.

“BUT, I don’t think I can get out of bed. I feel terrible today. I just want to stay here and sleep.”

I've felt this often. If you can, take a shower and get dressed. That counts. And there’s a lovely feeling about feeling clean, even if you go straight back to bed afterwards. Even if you don’t have a shower but make it to the kitchen you’re doing really well. Don’t be hard on yourself if you can help it. What you're feeling and experiencing is hard enough without beating yourself up about it.

I do love a shower. Don't listen to my husband saying that northerners are unclean. We do wash. Well, sometimes. 

2.  Take control

The NHS says ‘There’s a solution to any problem’. This is true, for the most part, but you do need to read the tips on managing your time and calming yourself before you can do anything.

“BUT how can I take control when everything is overwhelming. There is no solution to my problem. I don’t know what to do and I can’t stop panicking.”

If you’re massively stressed or anxious your brain cannot think straight to do this, so it’s time for deep breathing and water first, and calming yourself down, before you start to think about taking control or the steps to do so. Again, take care of yourself. You're not well enough to start addressing the things in your life that feel out of control if your anxiety/depression is 8-10 on a scale of 1-10. 

If only this button did what we all really wanted it to do...

3.  Connect with People

Talking can definitely help.  The NHS says: 'A good support network of colleagues, friends and family can ease your work troubles and help you see things in a different way.'

“BUT, I don’t feel like leaving the house to talk to people and I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

“BUT, I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this.”

It can be hard to reach out when you feel dreadful. I have been there. It still happens to me now. But talking does really help even if it’s hard to get started. And if you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to / anyone you can talk to, organisations like the Samaritans are there and someone you don't know, but has been trained to be there for you in hard times can help. The main thing is, do try not to let all the negative feelings build up inside you. Sometimes I just say to my husband: "I'm having a bad day," and nothing more. But it means I have stopped feeling like my feelings are choking me from the inside because I have given them a voice.

Yes, your Facebook page is fascinating. 

Now can you help me? I've got third degree burns from holding my tea cup all this time.

4.  Have some 'me' time. 

Apparently we UK inhabitants work the longest hours in Europe. And it’s true, we do, and it doesn’t help. The NHS recommends doing what you can do to take time out.

“BUT, I’m worried I might lose my job if I want to work shorter hours to take time out for me. I need to check my emails even outside of work to make sure I stay on top of things “

You do need to take time out even if it’s sitting on the loo for 5 minutes. Continuing to be stressed or feeling bad without giving yourself some sort of break (even if a short one) to change your scenery and remove yourself from difficult situations is crucial. You can also get outside at lunchtime. And leave your phone. You wouldn’t be able to answer it if you were in a meeting, would you? So give yourself a break. You may not always be able to relax during ‘me’ time, because learning to relax is another thing you will have to master gradually if you're used to feeling tense all the time. I'm not great at relaxing - and I used to be dreadful at it! Try not to give yourself to hard a time about this.

Even if you're having 'me time' on the loo. 

Which obviously I'm not going to post an image of here.

5. Challenge Yourself

The NHS recommends setting yourself goals and challenges. In some cases I think this is a great idea. Ask yourself, what do I want? Is there something different that I could do to make my life more worthwhile to me?

"BUT, I'm overwhelmed as it is. I cannot deal with adding more challenges. I just cannot take on anything more because I can't cope. Please don't ask me to add more to what I'm going through."

It is tough to face the future, even the next few hours or the next day, when you're very low or anxious. The negative thoughts can be overwhelming and goals and challenges do seem hard. I find this one horrendous sometimes because I already feel overwhelmed. But even if it's only a goal to get across the road to the newsagent to buy yourself a chocolate bar, getting up, or picking up the phone to call a friend, try to do something. That something is a goal. Or maybe a holiday to look forward to. If you can do it - great. And again, just don't give yourself a hard time if you can't. You might need to calm and soothe yourself first. I know that's how it is for me.

Sometimes getting out of bed feels like this. 

But luckily with fewer ice picks and more blankets. Brrr!

6.  Avoid unhealthy habits

The NHS says: "Don't rely on alcohol, smoking and caffeine as your ways of coping."

"BUT, a cigarette / a glass of wine helps me calm down at the end of the day. I like having it. Why can't I do it?"

The NHS is right - these are temporary releases which won't actually help in the end. Caffeine will make you jumpier if you're already anxious. I've given it up because it interferes with my medication and I'm tired of being so jumpy. I don't smoke, but I used to drink nearly every day. Now I've radically cut down on the alcohol because I've realised it is dangerous for me to mix too much alcohol with medication. Unfortunately I like wine and food in equal measures. And for goodness sake we are only human. But take care of your health in these matters - because adding to your existing problems with potential health problems or addiction will not help. 

7.  Help Other People

I really believe in this one. I've found that helping other people in some way, even if it's only holding the door and getting a thank you in return, would make me feel better momentarily. It's for this reason also that I've tried to volunteer for Mind and Time to Change: helping to raise awareness of mental health is important to me, and the thought that I might help other people is something that can lift me in my darkest times.

"BUT, how can I help other people when I'm in this state? I can't even help myself!"

Even the smallest things like putting a duvet over your partner in the middle of the night when it's fallen off and he's cold, feeding your cat, making a cup of tea for someone, is being helpful. Try to remember that and give yourself a break.

We can all help in small ways. Some ways are very cute. Like this.

8.  Work Smarter, Not Harder

Good time management is not something everyone has, but the NHS reminds us that "You have to get a work-life balance that suits you."

"BUT, I've got so many other commitments, I can't possibly work 'smarter' because I just have too much on! You don't know what it's like for me."

It's great to try to be efficient, to consider what really matters. However, when you're ill sometimes you can only do so much. Just try to work out - with help from others around you - what is important for you to get done now, and where you can get help for this, and make a note of other times that you can get done the most pressing things, again with help from others. The most important thing is to try to alleviate some of the pressures that you're feeling. Mind has some great tips on this. It's hard to generalise on this one: if you're a city banker or lawyer you likely feel you can't take any time out at all, but remembering that you got hired for a reason and that you are a smart person is important. Take a breath and reflect on that. And do take a break (even if just for five minutes) to do deep breathing before you try and tackle that mountainous 'To-Do' list.

9. Be Positive

"Are you serious? How can I be positive at a time like this? I feel so dreadful. Everything is awful and I just don't want to be here anymore. It's all too much."

The NHS says 'People don't always accept what they have.' Yep. That would be true. I am not thinking about my house, my husband and my great job when I'm miserable and ill. I doubt even people with a cold aren taking time out to feel grateful for any of these things when their noses are snotty and they're coughing and spluttering with a killer headache. Whatever the illness, we're all in it together feeling like crap and how on earth can we get ourselves out of it? Again, it's important to calm or soothe yourself first before you can try to think positively. This isn't easy at all. I have needed help from a therapist and a good psychiatrist to help me to see myself and my outlook more rationally and more positively. And I can't do it quite a lot of the time. It takes work, so start this kind of thinking, using techniques like mindfulness when you are feeling a bit less ill so that you can actually participate in them.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes...

10. Accept the things you can't change.

"Changing a situation isn't always possible," the NHS says. Again, Yep. 

"BUT, I can't do anything about my work, I can't change my family situation."
"I'm stuck and I can't get out."

I think the NHS is right here. There are going to be things you can't change and hard as they are to accept, we just have to try. We just need to make it to the next day (or the next hour). And then the next. I think acceptance, particularly self-acceptance is the most important step in dealing with mental health.

Above all, we can all play a part in continuing to talk about mental health de-stigmatising mental illnesses. It's not something to fear, to shun, to avoid, to pretend it doesn't exist. It doesn't mean you can't do a great job, be a great parent, live a good life, make a difference. It doesn't even mean you can't be happy.

Mental health illnesses are complex and difficult. But not talking about them worsens the condition, so please think about that and talk about it tomorrow and the next day and the next. Let's keep talking.